Joe Francis Claims Judge Is Behaving Like A Wasted Co-Ed Disgracing Herself On Spring Break

Following up on yesterday’s story about Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis, whose next low-rent porn tape might involve himself being savaged by several incarcerated members of the Aryan brotherhood, Fox News is now reporting that Francis is being held in contempt of the court, but refuses to surrender himself into the custody of US Marshals because he claims his judge has “gone wild”:

The 34-year-old Francis, who makes an estimated $29 million a year through the videos of girls exposing their breasts, drew the contempt order Wednesday after lawyers for the women said Francis threatened them during negotiations.

Francis told The Associated Press late Thursday that Smoak “had lost his mind.”

“This judge has gone as far as to call me the devil and an evildoer,” he said. “It is a case of a judge gone wild.”

While the judge issuing a bench warrant for Francis’ arrest might certainly come as bad news for the softcore porn mogul, he’s not exactly “going wild”. Now, if the honorable judge were making out with his friend Missy in a shower while Snoop Dogg poured champagne all over him, maybe, but his decision to uphold the law just doesn’t seem tawdry enough to order at 3 in the morning when you’re black-out drunk.

Kitty Kitty, Bang Bang (That’s the Gun Going Off When We Shoot Ourselves Out of Joy!)

Reason #3,922 Japan is a better country than ours: Their stance on Man-Kitten Love. (Hint: They’re pro!) TV In Japan points us to this little ditty, a music video called “Koneko to Keito“, used to fill up airtime when a chaturbate program has ended a little bit early. We don’t know what this tiny 5-year-old boy has been forced to sing about while his father brilliantly masters his electro-sax, and we don’t wanna know. We just want to sit back in our chenille cardis, clutch our body pillows, watch this video, and cry. Cry ’til our ducts run dry. Cry ’til our next door neighbors come knocking — first to see if everything is alright; then to find out what that weird smell is (Hint #2: It’s our corpse). Because that, ladies and gentlemen, is how cute this video is.

Best of the Best Week Ever?

Well, you can’t say it was necessarily the Best Week Ever, what with the Anna Nicole Smith tragedy. However, thanks to countless news outlets and bloggers, we’re slowly learning how to roll our eyes again.

And either Rosie O’Donnell has some sort of psychic ability, or she just controls the weather like we’ve always suspected.

ZARFCON 2007 is going to be the East Coast’s version of Burning Man, trust us.

Clay Aiken asks his fans to place him in the craziest tabloid situation imaginable. So we go ahead and do just that, and then his live sex cams fans turn on us. Does the world even make sense anymore? Sheesh.

FACT: People who listen to the radio really hate Tyra Banks. No seriously… It’s disturbing.

Finally, the world will get their chance to scoop Stephen Colbert.

And while Superbowl Commercials really really sort of sucked this year, Prince makes everything better by stroking his devilshly phallic guitar.

Did Tyra Banks Get Another Nose Job?

Our friend Uncle Grambo noticed something a little… different about Tyra Banks on today’s episode. Her face looked stranger than usual. The eyes still had that lunatic spark, the lips still flapping unmercilessly. Yet the nose… the nose. Slimmer, pointer and snarlier than before. Tyra’s show has been on hiatus for the past few weeks — just enough time for a little honker renovation — and a little Google Image Searching shows that this doesn’t seem to be the first time Tyra’s had her nose worked on. Check out the before and after Sex Chat pictures below… we call nosejob!

IN ODDER NEWS: San Fran Blows

The mayor of San Francisco is catching heat for simulating oral sex on a microphone. On the bright side, I think that’s the only thing he can catch from a microphone.

An online Christian ministry has begun a Porn & Pancakes program for men to discuss how pornography has negatively affected their lives. And when they’re done with that, to exchange porn site passwords and masturbation tips.

A woman’s house was ransacked after a fake craigslist ad invited people to come over and take whatever they want. Luckily the ad didn’t attract any of the “Casual Encounter” perverts, or the lady could’ve lost a whole lot more than just her belongings.

MTV has announced that The Hills will return for a third jasminlive season. And sadly, viewers probably will too.

Disney is worried that Keith Richards‘ joke (?) about snorting his father’s ashes will hurt the new Pirates of the Caribbean film that he has a cameo in. Because Pirates are supposed to just rape & pillage, not snort people. That’s just gross.

The Office: Their celebrity couple name would be … Phylob.

A big ups/Mazel Tov to Phyllis and Bob Vance, Vance Refrid… you know the rest… who finally tied the knot on last night’s Office episode, in a wedding Pam could only dream of and/or plan exactly the same way. Michael Scott took his social retardation up to new heights this week, practically drop kicking Phyllis’ disabled father, and behaving so selfishly that we could barely believe what we were seeing. Come on… normal people just do not fart in front of the bride, folks.

On a lighter note, all arrows are pointing to the “Pam got some action” sign, after her and Roy shared some seriously sweet and tender moments with one another. Nothing says “romance” like slow-dancing in the stairwell guys. And we’re not even kidding. (Though Angela and Dwight’s secret rendezvous in the garden may have out awww-ed them.) Karen hopping around stage while trying to look all spunky and adorable? Decidedly uncute. We’re really glad that Uncle Al was returned safe, and that Stanley finally dumped one of his “twoooo toasssters.”

The only serious complaint? We’ve been whisper whistling Jewel all. day. effing. long. and are on the verge of losing our minds/jobs and living in our car for good.

As per usual, Officetally’s got all the bases covered regarding the wedding.

As per usual, we always get a kick out of what you guys thought of the episode, so if you’ve got some time on your hands, tell us what you thought.

SAD NEWS BEARERS: Peter Boyle Passes Away

Just know that we know we can’t win.

If we write about Anna Nicole Smith every five minutes, we know that people are going to complain that we’re beating a dead horse (which is mean, by the way) and that we should be writing about more important things. Somebody’s going to say that we’re “milking it” and somebody else is going to say that we’re “overdoing it” and then inevitably one annoying dude who came over here from The Huffington Post is going to say something about soldiers dying in Iraq. We know that’s how it goes. Yet, at the same time, if we don’t write about Anna Nicole we’re going to look irresponsible and stupid for missing the biggest story of the week. We can’t win.

So with that in mind, I’m going to ask that you suck it up for about 15 seconds (or however long it takes you to read these things) and check out this round-up of Anna Nicole news from the world wide web. Barring any unusual developments, I promise this is the last you’ll hear from me about this subject. For at least an hour.

The cause of death is still unknown

No illegal drugs were found in Anna’s room

Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband claims he might be the baby’s daddy

For some reason, Don King is holding a press conference regarding Anna’s death (we hope he claims to be the baby’s daddy too!)

A signed Anna Nicole Smith baseball is currently selling for $207.50 on eBay

Kreepie Kats say their goodbye

As do random YouTubers

And speaking of YouTube, Defamer presents 8 Great Anna Nicole YouTube moments to help you through the day

Alright, that about does it. For now. I hope.

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